If you have lost someone who used alcohol or drugs, our bereavement service is here to support you. We can chat and offer some advice and information. We also can put you in touch with an accredited counsellor who is local to you. Our service is free and is available across Scotland.
The quickest way to contact our bereavement service is through our helpline:
Chat on our live help
Or fill out a form here
One of our helpline advisers will chat about the service and will answer any questions you may have. We will take your contact details and ask you where you live so that we can find the closest counsellor to you. The counsellor will contact you themselves and will arrange a suitable time, place and day for your counselling sessions. Our service is for anyone aged 16+ but if you are under this age we can help find suitable support for you.
Your counselling sessions will last around 50 minutes. We usually offer up to six sessions but if you need less or more we can sort this out. If you can’t make one of your sessions, please give your counsellor 24 hours’ notice so that it can be rescheduled. If you miss a session without telling your counsellor it will count as one of your sessions.
We collect personal information from you when you contact us about our bereavement support service. Full details can be read in our Support Service Policy.
‘I was apprehensive of getting counselling as I didn’t like to talk about it but I knew something had to change. From the first call to Scottish Families everything seemed so easy and within a week I had my first counselling appointment booked. Since then I’ve never looked back. It’s been 13 months since I had my counselling and my life is back on track.’ David (name changed)
- Cruse Bereavement Care
- Child Bereavement UK
- Funeral Funding Advice
- Hope Again Young Person’s Bereavement
Coping with grief
Losing someone we love and care about is one of the hardest things we go through in life. Grief affects everyone differently and it can have an impact on your whole body. It creates different emotions like sadness, anxiety, shock, guilt, and anger. It affects you physically and can lead to low energy, loss of appetite, poor sleeping patterns, general fatigue and motivation, and struggling to do everyday things. It affects your day-to-day behaviour making you forgetful, having a great desire to visit places with memories to feel closer to your loved one, isolated and socially withdrawn by not wanting to talk about the loss and denying facts of the death as they are too difficult to deal with.
You may have thoughts of disbelief that your family is in this situation and confusion about how this could have happened. Having this on your mind constantly can give you a feeling of being preoccupied which can lead to loss of concentration.
Grief can cause a strain on family relationships because people experience grief differently. One family member may find it more difficult to cope and others may not be able to understand why they feel that way.
Grief can have a number of effects on family relationships. Families may grow closer as they support each other or want to spend more time together. Some families may grow apart and some families may not experience any changes. Every family is different.
Worden’s TEAR Model of Grief (1991) says there is four ‘tasks’ grief which we need to do to carry on with our lives after loss.
T = to accept the reality of the loss
To accept the reality of the loss involves coming to terms with the end of the person’s life. It is normal to feel denial, shock and disbelief when we are told someone has died. Your mind may try to deny it has happened to avoid the pain of the loss. You may imagine you see the person or hear them coming through the front door. Once we have accepted that the person is no longer with us, we are ready to start carrying on with our lives.
E = experience the pain of the loss
There is no way to avoid grief. It will naturally bring with it many emotions such as sadness, longing, emptiness, loneliness, anger, numbness, anxiety and confusion. We should always experience the emotions we have rather than trying to stop them as this is a natural part of the grieving process. All these emotions will make you exhausted and may make you not feel like eating or sleeping. During this time we should focus on looking after ourselves and spending time with people we feel comfortable with.
A = adjust to the new environment without the person
At some point, we start getting back into our old routines. Children will go back to school, adults may return to work, and we may start going out with friends and socialising. There is no set period for how long this takes and everyone is different. You may have to adjust and learn to parent alone, being an only child, paying the bills, etc.
R = reinvest in the new reality
You will find a comfortable balance between remembering the person who has died and continuing with your life. This may be through new hobbies or relationships. It is about living our lives with purpose and meaning and not forgetting about the person who has died. This can take a long time and may have a few re-dos. People often feel guilty or like they are betraying the person when they move on – this is natural. People can choose to stay sad as this often gives them a closer connection to their loved one, but when you are ready you can choose to begin living again – whatever that may look like for you.
‘I felt as though I had to hide the feelings of hurt and utter grief and despair that was tearing me apart as it made others around me uncomfortable. I felt if I told people about how my son died they looked at me thinking – what else did you expect? I have a lot of friends and family but felt like no one really understood me and that’s a very lonely place to be.’ – Adam (name change)
Bereaved through alcohol or drugs
A drug-related or alcohol-related death can be caused by a number of things. It does not always mean that the person who died had an alcohol or drug problem e.g. a person who dies after experimenting with drugs or someone who has had an accident while under the influence.
In addition to grieving, some families may also experience a ‘secondary loss’. Families have found that they have been coping with the frustration, stress, and pain of the person’s drug or alcohol use for a long time. They may feel that they have ‘lost’ the person they knew many years before.
Families often say they felt the death was inevitable because there may have been overdose situations before the death or the person was not getting the right treatment or engaging with the support they needed.
Whether you are grieving before or after your loved one’s death, it has all the same emotions. You need to grieve for any secondary losses you have and cope with the difficulties felt from those losses.
Whatever the situation, the death will always come as a shock. These bereavements can feel more complicated than most because of the nature of the death. If the death was drug-related or alcohol-related it can be more challenging for families because of the stigma around drug and alcohol use. Sometimes families are met with stigmatising responses from people rather than sympathy and support. This can leave families feeling that their grief is unacknowledged and feel shame when they talk about their loved one which makes grieving more complicated.
Bereavement through drugs or alcohol can be more difficult by:
- The stigma around drug and alcohol use from the general public and the media
- A belief that the death was premature and avoidable
- Feelings of guilt of not being able to help the person
- A challenging relationship with the person before their death
- Police and court involvement
- A loss of hope that the person would stop using drugs or alcohol
During the first week after the death of your loved one, there is a lot to take in. There are official procedures that have to take place and these can take a few days, sometimes even weeks to be finalised. The circumstances of the death may be unclear and if drugs are suspected the first thing that will take place is police involvement and an investigation.
Our ‘Sudden and Unexplained Deaths’ booklet has more information on police investigations, post mortems and other steps you may need to go through.
‘After years of heroin use my son became very different from the quiet shy little boy I brought up. I used to long for his cuddles and the love that he used to have for me. He changed so much through his drug use but I still loved him. He was my boy, he struggled with life and it destroyed me when he died. It’s been five years since I lost him and with the help I received from the recovery community I am adjusting to life without him, he was such a big part of my every day, it’s difficult to fill the time.’ – Margaret (name changed)
Supporting someone through bereavement
Supporting someone through bereavement can be challenging. Many people withdraw from others when they are bereaved but having a family member or friend supporting them can help them feel better.
If you are struggling at work or are an employer who supporting a bereaved employee, Funeral Guide has put together information on bereavement in the workplace.
Show kindness and compassion
Showing kindness and compassion may seem obvious but when we are busy and stressed in our own lives it can be easy to forget. No matter what the circumstances are of the death, the feelings of loss are the same as anyone else. Offer your condolences, give the person time to talk, listen to them and try not to make assumptions on how they must be feeling. Turn off your mobile and any other distractions and give them your full attention.
Language is important
You may not realise it but some of the words you use may be judgemental and make the person feel worse. Words like ‘junkie’ or ‘addict’ are very negative and stigmatising. Try to avoid using these words and respect the person who has died. The person who is bereaved may use this language themselves but it is not appropriate for you to use them too.
Every bereaved person is an individual
Try not to assume that the person who is grieving is like every other grieving person you have met. They may have different feelings and may be experiencing grief in different ways. Try to remain open-minded and listen to their feelings. Show comfort, support, and empathy. Listen to what they have to say and be there for them. Sometimes just having the support from someone is all the person needs at that moment.
Everyone can give something
Don’t be afraid to talk about the person who has died. It is important that it is acknowledged and not avoided. Ask the person you are supporting what they want from you and what may help. Sometimes they may not know themselves what they want but little things can help e.g. picking up milk, taking the dogs out for a walk, putting on a washing, etc. Let them know that you are here for them and make sure they have your contact details. Don’t assume that someone else will support them, always ask first to make sure.
Let the person know that support is available to them – either support through yourself or from support services. If you are not sure of suitable services you can do some research on their behalf. Our website is a good place to start and also our helpline 08080 10 10 11 or firstname.lastname@example.org or webchat.
Bereavement Counsellor Network
To be able to support families from all areas in Scotland, we have a bereavement counsellor network. Counsellors provide bereavement counselling on our behalf and are added to our counsellor register. We will pay for up to 6 sessions for each client we refer to you. We pay up to £40 per each session maximum.
If you are an accredited bereavement counsellor in Scotland and want to be added to our register please email email@example.com (an online form will be on its way soon).