By Anonymous, for Commission on Alcohol Harm, 2020
Names in the story have been changed
I grew up in a small village in the 80s and in those days, people didn’t really talk about alcoholism or mental health issues. This was before you could search on Google for support services and before celebrities were sharing their stories of addiction on Instagram. My family didn’t talk about my dad’s drinking and I spent a lot of time worrying that my friends would find out. I would avoid inviting friends home because I was never sure what to expect. There was and still is a great sense of shame around this topic.
Even though drinking is such a major part of our culture in the UK, with getting falling down drunk almost treated as a rite of passage or a badge of honour, people who can’t control their drinking are seen as bad or weak.
The stigma around harmful drinking was so great for me that I didn’t actually talk to anyone outside my family about my dad’s drinking until I was in my 30s. That’s a long time to keep a secret and it’s obviously quite damaging psychologically.
My dad’s drinking impacted us financially – he was self-employed and sometimes wasn’t able to work. It also made family life unpredictable and unstable, we were constantly checking my dad for signs that he had been drinking. The harm done to families doesn’t stop magically when the drinking stops – my dad only stopped drinking following a medical and mental health crisis which led to him being hospitalised. But even after he stopped, I would constantly be on guard, checking for signs that he had started again. That anxiety and hyper vigilance is hard to shake off and it’s hard to build back the trust once its lost. When I was growing up, I never understood why my dad was drinking.
I thought he could just stop if he really wanted to, take the hint when he discovered we’d poured away the vodka he hid in the washing machine.
It wasn’t until I was older and started doing volunteer work with people who had a history of harmful drinking that I began to understand my dad was probably drinking to self-medicate for depression. One reason I feel it’s important for families to be involved in the recovery process is so they can understand why their loved one is drinking. Once I had that understanding, I was able to forgive my dad and let go a lot of anger that I had.
Looking back now at my experience I think addressing the stigma around harmful drinking is really important so that people, including families, feel more comfortable seeking help as early as possible to avoid the long term impact harmful drinking can have. Educating the public on the reasons why people might be drinking too much is also vital. When I was growing up, I thought my family was an exception, but now I realise that there are thousands of other families out there like mine and they can and should be a valuable part of any policy to address the harm that alcohol can cause.